Yile nto injengokuthanda utywala

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Ukunxila kwesithandwa sam kwandichwechwela. Yayiyinto eyoyikekayo njengebhere enkulu enxibe izihlangu zokudlala ezidlala intambula, kodwa ndaye ndakwazi ukuyigatya indlela yayo. Iimpawu zokuxela zazikho zonke: ukutshintsha kwemozulu okungalindelekanga, ishedyuli yokulala engalungelelananga, izandla zakhe ezingcangcazelayo, kwaye, okona kucace gca kuzo zonke — ukuthanda kwakhe ukusela xa evuka. Ndicinga nje ukuba ngumntu ovakalelo kakhulu, umzobi. Kuze kube yiminyaka eliqela ndithandana naye apho ndaqala khona ukukholelwa wayelinxila elibi .

Kutheni ndingakhange ndiyibone? Mhlawumbi kungenxa yomzabalazo wam. Ukudibana kwam noRay ngo-2007, ndandikumlo wokugqibela ophele iminyaka eli-16 ulwa nokutya. Ingxaki yam yokutya yayiqale xa ndandikwishumi elivisayo, xa ukutya okungenatyala kwakundingena I-anorexia epheleleyo . Ndaphinda ndachacha kuloo nto ndaya kungena kwihlabathi le-bulimia, eliza kundikhathaza kumazwe amathathu, ukuhlala esibhedlele kwezigulana ezibini, uninzi lwezicwangciso zonyango ezingalaliswayo kunye nomtshato, njengokutya kwam okuninzi, wehla (apha zi Iimpawu zokuqala ezilumkisayo zoqhawulo-mtshato ukuba uninzi lwabantu luyaphoswa).



URay wandiphekele ukutya okumnandi ngothando olukhulu, kwaye wandinceda ndabona ukutya njengento elungileyo. Undiguqulele kwimidla emitsha, kwiincwadi ezintsha, nakumculo omtsha. Kancinci, ndaqonda ukuba andisayifuni i-bulimia kwakhona. Bendimdinga nje.



Uthando lwam ngaye lwandenza ndonwaba. I-regimen yakhe yesiqhelo ye-paint-a-day ye-whisky yanda yaya kwibhotile ye-750 mL umkhwa wosuku, emva koko ibhotile ye-750 ml ye-whisky enexabiso eliphantsi kunye nesiqingatha seponti kaJack Daniels.

Ngentwasahlobo yowama-2015, sasikwiholide yesiqithi. Ngosuku lwethu lwesithathu apho wagxininisa ukuqhuba ukusuka ehotele ukuya elunxwemeni, kwaye khange asele kusasanje. Leyo yayiyinto engaqhelekanga kuye kwaye yandonwabisa. Ndonwabile xa ecwangcisa ukuchitha usuku engaphumlanga, ephefumla elwandle.



Sahamba saya emaphethelweni amanzi, sifakela iinzwane zethu saza senyuka saya kulusu lwethu. Ixesha langoku lalingenamandla, kodwa lathintela kuye. Ndambamba, ndizama ukuba eme, kwaye ndaqaphela izandla zakhe zingcangcazela ngendlela endingazange ndayibona ngaphambili.

Ngorhatya wayeqale ukusela kwakhona, kodwa ixesha awayehambe ngalo ngaphandle kotywala lalisele linengxaki. Malunga ne-10 emva kwemini, sahamba saya kwi-7-Eleven kufutshane nehotele, sikhangela amashwamshwam. Ndakhangela icereal xa ndisiva endibiza ngegama.

Ndabaleka ndaya kuye, ndabona ukuba iliso lasekunene liyaphuma entloko, kwaye kwakuphuma igazi ngomlomo nangempumlo. Intloko yakhe yaqala ukukroba ngokushiya ngakumbi, ndambona eqala ukuwa. Ndandisoyika kakhulu. Ndakhwaza ndathi: 'Hlala nam!' njengoko wayewa ngomva engxoweni yeelekese.



Kwigumbi likaxakeka, ugqirha wasixelela ukuba uRay unesibindi esandisiweyo, kwaye ukubanjwa kwakhe kwakubangelwa ukurhoxiswa kotywala . Wanika uRay iyeza likaLibrium, i-benzodiazepine, ukuthintela ukuqhubeka nokubanjwa. 'Ayizukuba lula, kodwa ukuba akuyeki ukusela, le nto izokubulala, utshilo ugqirha. (Jonga ezi Iimpawu ezi-6 zesibindi sakho ziyasilela .)

ILibrium yasebenza malunga neeyure ezingama-24, emva koko uRay wayeka ukuyithatha. Ndazicenga ndazicenga. Ndibe ibhotile yewhisky awayeyithenge kwivenkile ethengisa utywala xa wayethatha ikhefu wayigalela edreyini. Kwakungancedi nto. Xa uRay efuna ukusela, akukho nto kweli hlabathi enokumnqanda.

usele Ifoto nguSebastian Kaulitzki / Getty Izithombe

Kwiinyanga ezininzi emva kolo hambo, ndizamile ukumqinisekisa ukuba afumane uncedo. Uthe ufuna ukuzenzela yedwa, esebenze malunga neveki ngaphambi kokuba abuyele. Emva koko waya kugqirha wamyalela iNaltrexone, eyayifanele ukuthatha ulonwabo ekunxileni. Yenza uRay ukuba nesicaphucaphu kwaye ingahambelani, kwaye yabangela ukuba nemibono.

Ezi zezinye zeeveki ezimbi kakhulu ebomini bam. URay waba lithemba waza wafuna uncedo. Khange akwazi ukumela ukuba ndiye kude naye. Kwakudingeka ukuba abanjwe rhoqo. Wayenomdla kwaye wayengenangqondo xa ethetha. Kwakungathi isithandwa sam asisekho, kwaye endaweni yakhe bekukho omnye umntu, umntwana ongenakuzikhathalela. Andikwazi ukusebenza; Andizange ndibabone abahlobo bam. Ndandixhelekile.

Ngo-Okthobha ka-2016, wavuma ukuya kwi-detox kwisibhedlele esikufutshane nasekhaya. Wayenomonde ngeveki, emva koko waphila iinyanga ezintandathu.

Ziliqela izinto zatshintsha ngoko nangoko. Emva kweminyaka yokuhamba ubomi ngokuzimela kwakhe enxila kunye namaxesha okuphelelwa lithemba, kwabakho ukuzola ngequbuliso. Wayethule, ecamngca, kwaye emamela izinto endizithethayo endaweni yokuhlala ethetha ngam. (Ngaba unengxaki yotywala? Nazi iimpawu ezi-5 .)

Kodwa bekukho ukuphazamiseka kwemigangatho emitsha yokujongana nayo, nayo. Phakathi kokuyeka ukusela nokuthatha iziyobisi ezichasene noxinzelelo, umnqweno wakhe wokwabelana ngesondo wawuphele kwaphela (ukugula lelinye lamaxesha asibhozo xa ubudlelwane obungena ngesondo buqhelekile). Kwakhona uRay wabonakala edakumbile, ephelelwe lithemba.

Emva kweenyanga ezintandathu, ndafumana ibhotile phantsi kwesinki. Emva kwexesha ndafumana enye ngasemva kwemicrowave. Ndifumene iibhotile kwiikhabhathi, ngaphantsi kwezinyuko. Ndabafumana emgqomeni wokurisayikilisha. Ndaqala ukubafumana yonke imihla. Nokuba ndingahlangana naye kangaphi malunga nayo, wanyanzelisa ukuba ayisiyonto inkulu, ukuba ibingafani naphambili. Kodwa kungekudala kwakukubi ngakumbi kunangaphambili, kuba wayezama, kakubi, ukundifihlela. (Nantsi into ekufuneka uyazi malunga nengxaki ye-opioid yaseMelika kwiPremium yokuNqanda.)

URay wazama ukuziphinda kwakhona. Oko kusebenze iintsuku ezimbalwa. Wabuyela kwi-detox, kwaye wayengenangqondo ngeveki. Kodwa kuye kwacaca kum ukuba akanamdla wokuyeka ukusela. Uyithanda kakhulu iwhiskey yakhe.

Abahlobo bam kunye nosapho bathi mandimshiye. Ndangena kumaqela akwi-Intanethi ndaza abafazi bandohlwaya ukuba ukuxhomekeka kwam kuye kumbulala. Ekuphela kwendlela awayeza kulunga ngayo, bathi, kukuba ndimnqumle.

Kodwa ndiyaluthanda uncumo lwakhe olumnandi kunye neengalo zakhe ezomeleleyo. Ndiyakuthanda ukutya okuphekelwa ndim kunye nomnqweno wakhe wemibongo noncwadi. Ndikhwela amaza amahla ndinyuka ngoku.

Ndiyathemba ukuba ngenye imini uyakuza, ukuze athathe isigqibo sokubuyela kunyango kwaye anamathele kulo ngeli xesha. Ndiyoyika ukuba kuyakufika umhla xa umzimba wakhe uvaliwe, kwaye kuya kufuneka ndimkhathalele ngeendlela ezigqitha kule sele ndiyenza. Ndiyoyika isibindi sakhe, kwaye kuyakwenzeka ntoni xa ekugqibeleni iqala ukusilela. Ndiyazi ukuba sesiphezulu, kwaye njengamaza eza kum, andinawo amandla okuwumisa.

Amagama atshintshiwe